Monday...

Should I tell you about my day? Here's the background...I have been working as a teller at the bank, but I was hired to be a customer service rep. CSRs open accounts, answer questions, and take care of customer issues--whatever they might be. Before I went to CSR training I observed a bit and began to think that it might not be for me. I actually had several people at work tell me that I wouldn't like it. One lady told me I'd be bored. As a teller, when it's slow, I can pull out a book to read or a sunday school lesson or yoke club to plan. When other tellers are complaining that it's slow, I'm always like "This is great! I'm getting so much done!" As a CSR, when it's slow, you either have a pile of paperwork or you just sit at the desk and wait for a customer. (That's not the only reason I don't like it. I also don't love not knowing what situation is about to walk through the door.) Three weeks ago I asked my supervisor if I could continue to work as a teller because I'm really not comfortable with (or happy in) the CSR position. And she told me to keep working as a CSR and get comfortable with it and we'd talk later. . . and then she's had me work as a teller. . .until today. So, of course, I didn't get used to it. In fact, I thought maybe she had decided to let me stay in the teller position. Since I'm a floater, she usually tells me on Friday afternoon what branch to work at the next week, but last Friday she was off, so they told me just to call Monday morning. So I called this morning at 7:40--I'm supposed to be at work at 8:15--and no one answered. (Usually someone is in early.) So I called every 5 minutes, until 8:20 when someone answered to tell me that I needed to wait until someone else came in. She said someone would call me back soon. So I finally called back at 8:50, and she called a branch to see if they could use me. (Nothing like not being needed. ") In that time I got so much done---dishes, folding laundry--and I thought "this is going to be a cool day, different." And then I finally got to work. . . and I was supposed to be a CSR (didn't see that coming did you? ") And my stomach just about jumped through my throat. And all I wanted to do was survive until lunch and then get away for a while. . .but my parents' car is messed up, so my dad has my car and had dropped me off at work. So no leaving until my dad came back at 4:15. And I just wanted to hide and cry. On the way there this morning (still thinking I was to work as a teller) I was thinking "Man, why was I so unsatisfied with this job? I could do this for a long time." And then I got there and heard "CSR" and thought "Yeah! This is why!" There was some confusion when I got there--was I a teller or a CSR? So I had to explain to the branch manager that yes, technically I'm a CSR, but I don't want to do it and I haven't been doing it. And her response was that I definitely, then, needed to work as a CSR so I wouldn't waste my training. And I'm thinking "But this is not what I was meant to do! I'm perfectly fine not 'advancing' in banking. It's not my passion!" Ah, but it's my job.
So I was thinking. . .
I asked my mom the other day how people stay in jobs they don't love. She said that when you come home and see those babies' faces, you know you aren't doing it for you but for them, and then it's okay. And I said, "Cool. . . so why am I doing it?" I do feel like God has used me in unexpected ways--in going through training with a student facing the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy or working for a week with a group of people who have a strong negative stereotype of 'church people.' And sometimes those things make me think I'd be cheating by being in a ministry position because I wouldn't be 'in the world' as much as I am now. I'm just over thinking it, I guess. It's a good thing the future is in His hands and not mine! (By the way, I wrote this during work today. Ever seen the Seinfield episode where George takes a job he knows nothing about? And he sits in the office and moves papers from one file to the other. . .all day? Yeah, that was pretty much me today. "If I open and close my notebook a lot while I'm writing, maybe it'll look like I'm really working on something." Oh, I get to go back to be a CSR tomorrow.

People actually read my blog!!

I am, generally, a private person. I'm really good with short answers and not offering up more than I just have to. I know God is trying to get me out of that. I read a book recently on mentoring students. I can pretty much sum up the whole book with this statement: "Mentoring is letting students into your life." That means your life has to be a little more open. I'm trying. I'm doing some things I never would have dreamed of. Like interpretive movement. When I told a couple of my friends that I was going to do it, they laughed. "Let's see. You don't dance, and you don't like to be up in front of people. Yeah, this sounds like the group for you." But guess what. I'm loving it. And I'm trying to be more open with people. That was pretty much the point of having a blog. I like reading blogs, but to actually write one just seemed weird. "Write out my thoughts for anyone to read? You've got to be kidding me." But if I'm really going to be more open, this was a good place to start. So, I blog, although not very consistently. And it really wasn't as hard as I thought. . .
Probably because I thought no one was reading it. Then last night I logged onto 2 of my friends' blogs. And there in the "blogs I read" section was my name! And I freaked out just a bit. "People actually read my blog!! I'm out there. Opening up. Dear goodness, what I have done?!" I was much calmer about it this morning. . . and then I got to Sunday School and someone else mentioned reading my blog. And it began again. "People actually read what I say!!" Wow. Just know that this whole world of blogging is out of my comfort zone. But I think that's where I need to be.

Waiting and Watching

My first week at Carson-Newman (hard to believe that was almost 8 years ago!) an upper classman gave me this advice about being in full-time ministry: 'if you can be happy doing anything else, do that other thing.' At first it sounded like odd advice, but it makes alot of sense now. I've spent a lot of time in jobs I didn't love and have ended up changing jobs alot. The thing that has been consistent in my life is student ministry. I always go into new jobs thinking I can be happy there as long as I have the time to stay as involved in student ministry as I have been. And that works for a while. Then I get to the point in my job where I should be moving up or taking on more responsibility and I realize, again, that it's not what I was made to do. And I get frustrated and start looking for something new. It usually takes 5 or 6 months for me to realize that I can't be happy where I am. I started at the bank on October 11. Do the math and you'll know what I'm feeling.
I know where I would be happy; where I would be living life to the fullest. It's a life where I stay home to take care of my family and stay involved in ministry.
So really I know exactly what I want to do when I grow up. It's just that I don't have a husband to support or kids to take care of and--as my mom would say--I'm working to support my involvement in ministry. So I know what I want to do; it's just not possible yet.
So I was thinking...
1. Wait. Wait is a four letter word. (Really, it is.) I'd like to have a family soon. 'Keep living life and wait.' I want to be debt-free now. 'Keep working and wait.' I'd like to go back to my old position at work. 'Keep working and wait.' You get the idea. I thought I was a patient person, but when the answer is always 'wait,' you've got to wonder what God is teaching you.
2. Think outside the box. I've really limited my ideas about where I should be working. I know I want to be in full-time ministry, but there aren't many opportunities that I know of. But it doesn't matter. God has plans for me and it doesn't matter if I don't know them just yet. I've just got to stop limiting myself and watch (and, yes, wait) for the doors to open at the right time. I know that, but I need to be reminded of that from time to time. Thanks, friend, for the reminder.
-E